Sex and the City Quotes: Season 3
EPISODE 31: WHERE THERE'S SMOKE...
Miranda: Who would've thought an island that tiny would be big enough to hold all our old boyfriends?
Miranda: I do not have Steve. There is no having of the Steve. We're just friends.
Samantha: No, we're just friends. I don't put my dick in you.
Charlotte (drunk): I'm nice. I'm pretty, and smart! I'm a catch!
Charlotte: I've been dating since I was fifteen! I'm exhausted! Where is he?
Miranda: Who, the White Knight?
Samantha: That only happens in fairy tales.
Charlotte: My hair hurts.
Carrie: I lost my Choo!
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EPISODE 32: POLITICALLY ERECT
Carrie: I figured we made a good match. I was adept at fashion; he was adept at politics. And really, what's the difference? They're both about recycling shop-worn ideas and making them seem fresh and inspiring.
Charlotte: I can't believe you're dating a politician. You're not even registered to vote!
Carrie: It's the undecideds they're really after.
Samantha: I don't believe in the Republican party or the Democratic party. I just believe in parties.
Stanford: I can only stay a few minutes. I got tickets to the Vagina Monologues.
Carrie: Why?
Stanford: Just because I don't eat at the restaurant doesn't mean I can't hear the specials.
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EPISODE 33: ATTACK OF THE FIVE FOOT TEN WOMAN
Carrie: There are very few things this New Yorker loves as much as Sunday brunch. You can sleep until noon and still get eggs anywhere in the city, alcohol is often included with the meal, and Sunday is the one day a week you get the single woman's sports pages: the New York Times wedding section.
Miranda: I love how they say "until recently, the bride [worked]."
Carrie: Yeah, meaning she quit her job as soon as she found her soul-mate-slash-investment-banker.
Carrie: You know who these women marry? The roman numeral guys.
...
Samantha: I find the higher the number the worse the sex. I went out with somebody the third who couldn't even get it up.
Miranda: Imagine how bad Henry VIII must have been.
Miranda: Do you have a rolling pin?
Carrie: On me?
Miranda: In your kitchen.
Carrie: Are you kidding me? I use my oven for storage.
Carrie: I've talked to her twice. Once I was in a cowboy hat and once I was in my bra. I'm like frickin' Annie Get Your Clothes On.
Miranda: What's in your goodie drawer? Robert's Rules of Order?
Charlotte: I don't have a goodie drawer.
Carrie: Oh, everybody has a goodie drawer.
Samantha: I have a goodie closet!
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EPISODE 34: BOY, GIRL, BOY, GIRL...
Samantha: You know, women dressing like men is very popular right now.
Carrie: And here I thought it was Pokemon.
Samantha: I once dated a guy who liked to wear my underwear but I've never gone the other way.
Stanford: See, when you're gay, everyone can wear everyone's underwear.
Charlotte: That's hygenic.
Carrie, about her date: He's not that young.
Miranda: He's twenty-six. His generation has a totally different letter than ours.
Sean, who's ice skating with Carrie: I'm guessing it's easier to balance when you're not smoking.
Carrie: Smoking is the only thing that keeps me balanced.
Carrie: He's a bisexual.
Samantha: I could've told you that, sweetie. He took you ice skating for god's sake!
Samantha: I'm a trisexual. I'll try anything once.
Carrie: I'm not even sure bisexuality exists. I think it's just a layover on the way to gaytown.
Miranda: Isn't that next to Ricky Martin-ville?
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EPISODE 35: NO IFS, ANDS OR BUTTS
Charlotte: ...you shouldn't be talking like that at all, Samantha, it's rude and politically incorrect.
Carrie: Sweetie, a reminder: Samantha is rude and politically incorrect.
Miranda: She's an equal opportunity offender.
Charlotte, on her date who's a very bad kisser: He raped my face! I'm never seeing him again!
Samantha: Adeena, I'm a lovely woman. At least get to know me, then hate me.
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EPISODE 36: ARE WE SLUTS?
Charlotte: Do you think I'm a whore?
Samantha: Oh please, if you're a whore, what does that make me?
Miranda: I can't tonight, I have chlamydia.
Carrie: Wow! It's like a Danielle Steele novel in here!
Aidan: From a writer, I'm pretty sure that's an insult.
Samantha: They practically chased me with torches like I was Fuckenstein!
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EPISODE 37: DRAMA QUEENS
Carrie: I realized I was in the throes of an existential crisis. One that not even the sight of this season's Dolce & Gabbana strappy sandals could lift me out of.
Miranda: Steve is completely predictable but that's one of the things I love about him. He's just so comfortable and safe.
Carrie: Are you dating a man or a minivan?
Samantha: From my experience, honey, if he seems too good to be true—he probably is.
Miranda: I just don't get it. Why do men get skidmarks? Is it laziness or are they just in a rush?
Carrie: I don't know, but whatever it is it goes hand in hand with urinating on the seat.
Miranda: I tell you one thing: when your boyfriend is so comfortable he can't be bothered to wipe his ass, that's the end of romance right there.
Charlotte: You kept all of your great single friends away from me just so you could cheat on your wife? (Slaps him.) You should be ashamed of yourself!
Guy: You're such a spark plug! I love that about you!
Charlotte: I am not interested in starting some married man's car!
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EPISODE 38: THE BIG TIME
Carrie: So you're "everything but" girl.
Charlotte: I like to think of it as "kissing with extras."
Carrie: How very ninth grade of you.
Charlotte: Did you know I read that if you don't have sex for a year, you can actually become re-virginized?
Carrie: And, I would imagine, quite frisky.
Charlotte: How old were you [when you lost your virginity]?
Carrie: Eleventh grade. Seth Bateman. His smelly rec room. Half a joint, three thrusts, finito.
Charlotte: Eew!
Carrie: And P.S.—it was on the ping pong table.
Charlotte: Listen to this: sometime in the ten years before menopause, you may experience symptoms including all-month long PMS, fluid retention, insomnia, depression, hot flashes or irregular periods.
Carrie: On the plus side, people start to give up their seats for you on the bus.
Charlotte, looking at a catalog: Oh my god! Vagina weights!
Samantha: Honey, my vagina waits for no man.
Steve: Oh come on, I want a baby. It would be fun.
Miranda: It's not like owning a foosball table, Steve.
Charlotte: Do you have another?
Carrie: Ladies, I am not Tampax central. Put on list: buy tampons.
Charlotte: Well, I have them at home but they won't fit in my Kate Spade purse.
Miranda: Wow—Kate must have a tiny vagina.
Miranda: I do not want [a baby] eventually and my clock is running out... I mean, I've only got like a million viable eggs left.
Carrie: Three hundred of which we just killed with those martinis at lunch.
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EPISODE 39: EASY COME, EASY GO
Carrie: I had often fantasized about running into my ex and his wife. But in those fantasies, I was running over them with a truck.
Mr. Big: Hey, have you got a light?
Carrie: I quit.
Mr. Big: Aw, we always used to share a cigarette together.
Carrie: We did a lot of things that were bad for me together.
Samantha: Well, let's just say it: you won.
Carrie: Was there a contest?
Samantha: Oh please! There's always a contest with an ex. It's called "who will die miserable."
Charlotte: Trey is this close to proposing, I can feel it.
Carrie: Oh my god, really?
Miranda: You just met! I've had pairs of pantyhose longer!
Samantha: Maybe there's something he can eat to make it sweeter.
Carrie: Maybe you should write to Martha Stewart.
Miranda: "Dear Martha: Funky spunk. Help."
Miranda, to Carrie, who's listening to an answering machine message from Big: We could analyze this for years and never know, I mean, they still don't know who killed Kennedy.
Aidan: Don't take this the wrong way but this place could use a little work.
Carrie: I know, but I can't afford it.
Aidan: You've got eight thousand bucks' worth of shoes over there.
Carrie: I needed those!
Charlotte: I proposed to myself!
Carrie: What?
Charlotte: Yes. I suggested he have a tomato salad, then I suggested we get married.
Carrie: Wait. What exactly did he say?
Charlotte: Alrighty!
Carrie: Alrighty? He said alrighty? Now I'm thinking the upsetting thing isn't that you proposed, it's that you proposed to a guy that says "alrighty."
Charlotte: Oh, Carrie, stop!
Carrie: Alrighty.
Adam: Come on, give me a little BJ, up and down a couple times, you're done, it's easy!
Samantha: Easy? You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin'!
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EPISODE 40: ALL OR NOTHING
Samantha: Don't beat yourself up. Aidan hasn't said "I love you" yet. Until he does, you're a free agent.
Carrie: What is that, The Rules according to Samantha?
Samantha: See? I'm more old fashioned than you think.
Miranda, reviewing Charlotte's prenuptual agreement: Listen, this is just their opening offer. It's totally standard to go back in and negotiate.
Charlotte: Negotiate? I can't even buy stuff on sale!
Carrie: There'll be no next time. This is going to be like Bridges of Madison Avenue, a very brief affair I'll write about in sappy letters to my grandchildren.
Samantha: I'm starving! Where's the food?
Miranda: They're WASPs. There's never food, only booze.
Samantha: Fine. One martini, six olives.
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EPISODE 41: RUNNING WITH SCISSORS
Carrie: When Charles Dickens wrote "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," I believe he must have been having an affair with his married ex-boyfriend.
Carrie: Our affair, like our hotels, had gone from elegant with crystal to seedy with plastic cups.
Carrie: You've heard those stories about affairs where people realize how great their other relationship is and end it without anyone being the wiser.
Miranda: I don't watch Lifetime television for women.
Carrie: It was a typical doowntown male mix. Ten percent Wall Street, ten percent real estate, and ten percent [Samantha had] already slept with.
Miranda, looking at a bride magazine: Ooh! Cute purse!
Charlotte: No purses! There's no time for purses! This is gown-specific!
Miranda: What's your theme again? A Nazi wedding?
Samantha: What if I have it?
Carrie: You don't have it.
Samantha: Sometimes it takes me a really long time to get over a cold.
Carrie: That's not AIDS, it's central air conditioning.
Carrie: Charlotte was thrilled. Anthony was like the pushy Italian mother she never had.
Nurse: Do you swallow?
Samantha: Only when surprised.
Carrie: We're so over, we need a new word for over.
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EPISODE 42: DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL
Samantha on kilts: I like the idea of men in skirts. Easy access.
Charlotte: Carrie, you're right, you have to tell him. But not before the wedding. It's supposed to be my week.
Miranda: It's your day. You get a day. Not a week.
Charlotte (whispering): Could you please not use the F-word in Vera Wang?
Charlotte: Is it so much to ask that you not wear your dress up around your see you next Tuesday?
Samantha: My what?
Charlotte (drawing characters in the air): C - U - Next -
Carrie: Tuesday? Oh my god! Was that a schoolhouse rock I missed?
Charlotte: [After the wedding] I finally get to sleep with Trey.
Carrie: Excuse me?
Miranda: You haven't slept with him yet?
Samantha: Honey, before you buy the car you take it for a test drive!
Charlotte (drunk): I want to do things to him that I have never done to anyone. Like the other night I was thinking about putting whipped cream all over my body.
Samantha: Low fat Kool Whip is the best. It's less sticky than other brands.
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EPISODE 43: ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK
Charlotte: I can't believe you're all going to LA without me.
Miranda: We still can't believe you went on your honeymoon without us!
Charlotte: So how are you?
Carrie: I'm good. How are you?
Charlotte: Great.
(pause)
Carrie: I told Aidan about the affair and he broke up with me.
Charlotte: Trey and I never had sex on our honeymoon.
Carrie: You win. So. Should we get more coffee or should we get two guns and kill ourselves?
(Carrie is having trouble driving a stick-shift car.)
Miranda: Why didn't you just get an automatic?
Carrie: I love this car! It goes with my outfit.
Samantha: I've got something to make you feel better. (Hands Carrie and Miranda packages.)
Carrie: Oh! Dildos before 10 am! I'm all perked up!
Guy: This floor's non smoking!
Carrie: I have an addiction, sir!
Carrie: If I could master a stick shift, could a successful relationship be that far behind?
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EPISODE 44: SEX AND ANOTHER CITY
Carrie, on her Brazilian bikini wax: I got mugged! She took everything I got!
Samantha: That's the thing about the Brazilian. It makes you do crazy things. You have to be very careful who you invite to Brazil.
Samantha: Drinking with three blondes! I guess that's a regular day for you.
Hugh Hefner: A slow one, yes.
Miranda: Maybe it's time that I stop being so angry.
Carrie: Yeah, but what would you do with all your free time?
Charlotte: Could you have more condoms?
Samantha: I did, yes.
Carrie: One woman's pornographer is another woman's spiritual leader.
Charlotte: My marriage is a fake Fendi!
Miranda, to Samantha, who's offered to take Charlotte to a Playboy Mansion party: Why would that cheer her up? Does she look like a 22-year-old frat boy?
Samantha: That bunny's got my bag!
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EPISODE 45: HOT CHILD IN THE CITY
Wade: I know you've heard of Wonder Woman.
Carrie: Ooh, with the bracelets and the tiara. I used to love that even her accessories had superpowers.
Carrie: I'm scootin' in heels!
Carrie: So are you saying there's no way you'd go out with a guy who lived with his family?
Samantha: Well... maybe Prince William.
Samantha: Are you in pain? I'm in pain just looking at you.
Miranda: I'm a 34-year-old woman with braces and I'm on a liquid diet. Pain doesn't begin to cover it.
Carrie: When you're a teenager, all you want to do is buy beer. But once you hit 30 all you want to do is to get carded.
Psychiatrist: One client rather whimsically dubbed his anus "the chocolate starfish."
Trey: Are you quite sure you went to Yale?
Carrie's answering machine message: Hi. I'm not here but my shoes are, so leave them a message.
Carrie: In the end I decided I was definitely 34 going on 35, but in a city like New York, with its pace and its pressures, sometimes it's important to have a 13-year-old moment. To remember a simpler time when the best thing in life was just hanging out, listening to records and having fun with your friends. In your very own apartment.
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EPISODE 46: FRENEMIES
Miranda, on being stood up on a first date: He doesn't even know me. The least he could do is wait to get to know me before he rejects me.
Miranda: They're starting to die on us.
Charlotte: Oh my god.
Samantha: Well, at least you weren't stood up.
Miranda: 35 and they're dying! We should just give up now.
Carrie: Well, on the bright side this could explain why they don't call back.
Charlotte: How did he...
Miranda: Heart attack. At the gym.
Carrie: See? This is why I don't work out.
Charlotte: We've been trying, you know, to...
Samantha: Fuck?
Charlotte: Whatever. And it's just not...
Samantha: Getting big and hard?
Carrie: What is this, dirty Mad Libs?
Samantha: Hey, you almost masturbated, he almost got it up, together you almost had sex.
Miranda: Everybody masturbates.
Samantha: Mmm, I did it this morning.
Carrie: Well, that explains why I got your voice mail.
Carrie: Do you know that there are no available men out there?
Miranda: Ahh, we're at my date's wake, so—yes.
Carrie: Awww, wow, he's cute!
Miranda: Was. Damn.
Miranda, at her date's post-wake party: He set money aside for this.
Carrie: That's nice. "I'm dead, you're not, enjoy the buffet!"
Jim: I'm an engineer now.
Carrie: On the railroad?
Samantha, on Charlotte: That girl needs the stick out of her ass and a dick in her coochie, pronto!
Miranda: I'm staying way out of this one.
Carrie: Way out. New Jersey out.
